Teeth woes

I guess I jinxed myself with all the talk Wednesday about dental work. Oh my gosh, I woke up Thursday morning with the left side of my face swollen and my left eye watering. I ended up calling my supervisor to work remote and hubby took me by the doctor for a walk in appt. Well, it turns out my upper left gum is abscessed. Oh my gosh, it hurts. I was put on a very high dose of antibiotics and will have to make an appointment to see a dentist quicker than anticipated, which will more than likely be one that does oral surgery. I am not a very good patient when it comes to dental work. I am deathly afraid of any type of needle and it's either gas or sedation for me. 😩 I have had some teeth that needed dealt with for quite some time. Maybe now that I have a dental plan, a dentist office will be willing to work out payments. There is no way I can pay for the procedures that I need done in full. 

To make matters worse, these antibiotics are making me very nauseated and I am running a low grade fever. Well, it's either the antibiotics, or the flu and 2nd round of Covid vaccines. I am going to see if my boss will let me work remote this coming week.

I'm such a Slacker!!

Yeah, I know. I keep saying I am going to get on here and post, but LIFE just keeps getting in the way. LOL! We have been going through things in this house and getting stuff together to send off to Goodwill. I ordered new glassware and dishes and I am redoing a few things in the kitchen. I want new curtains, too, but I have yet to find any that are appealing to me. I told the hubby that we have to start gearing up to file for bankruptcy, start looking into another vehicle, and figure out what we are going to do as far as our living here goes.

We have been in this house renting and paying some type of lease here for almost 15 years. It doesn't seem like that long but the years have gone by fast. This is the only home our daughter really remembers and it makes her so sad to speak of having to move. But we cannot stay here if this house is not going to be ours. I am angered that I have actually put this off for so long but our finances have never been in good standing and my husband's mom didn't want us to move. But if something happens to her, we will be forced out by the bank because I know we will never qualify to finance this house. I still can't believe this house has over $90,000 still owed!!! That is crazy!!! It should have been paid off years ago. The bones of this house may be stable, but the plumbing is shot, many of the interior walls need new rock, new texture, and a new coat of paint. Both bathrooms are in major need of being repaired and finished. All stuff that my wonderful husband used to be able to do himself, but can no longer do because of the numerous surgeries and TBI. So much work needs to be done on this house and it's not even paid off!! LOL!

I honestly just want to pack up and move. My husband says it would be stupid to take on a mortgage at our age. But I honestly don't care. I will be working for the next 20 years unless something happens to me. I don't want to rent or lease. I don't want limitations on what you can and cannot do to a property. We also have three cats and a dog. So many do not even allow pets and I am not giving up my animals. They are family!

Thinking of my MOM

Over the years I had tried really hard to get over the bitterness I have built up about having my mom change her will at the last moment. I honestly don't think I will ever forgive myself for doing that. I put my siblings arguments and jealousy over my family and in doing so, lost a house which was rightfully mine. Both my siblings have beautiful brick homes in lovely areas of town, and I just don't understand how a little 4 bedroom wood clapboard house that was not even worth $80,000, had to come between us.

Almost 15 years later, my family still does not have a home that we will own. Between surgery after surgery, paying off child support, a traumatic brain injury, loss of family, hubby having to medically retire, this crazy pandemic, and fighting for SSDI, it just hasn't been a priority. I finally found a full-time job and we are now looking at filing for bankruptcy.

My mother's Birthday was this week. Happy Birthday MOM!! 🎂 She would have been 79 years old. Thinking about her and the look on her face when I asked her to change her will brings back so many unpleasant memories of what followed. My one regret is not putting my foot down and telling my siblings to back the hell off. It changed nothing. I miss my mom.

Oh, the shock and excitement...

Add overwhelming to that equation, too! LOL! After a month of processing background checks, references, and getting fingerprinted - I will be starting my training with the DFPS as an APS Administrative Assistant on Monday, December 13th!!

In other words - I finally got a job!!!! 😀

Feelings of hopelessness...

One of my favorite movie quotes of all time is “The choices we make dictate the life we lead” is from the movie Renaissance Man by Bill Rago (Danny Devito).

In April 2001, I became a mom, and I was over the moon with joy. The decision to be a Stay-at-Home mom was instant. I was also a caregiver to a parent, became mom to a beautiful daughter with Autism, and had a few part-time jobs here and there. None of my part-time jobs would be considered career-worthy. In 2013, my husband and I pulled both kids out of public school to homeschool. It was the best choice for our family and we thought our children deserved a more rounded education than the school was providing. In March 2016 our world changed with my husband suffering a Traumatic Brain Injury as well as sustaining multiple injuries to his shoulder, elbow, and hip. Two years of Brain Therapy resulted in a medical retirement from his job and filing for Social Security Disability.

My husband can no longer work, which has resulted in me having to thrust myself out into the job market in my late 40s. I do not have this spectacular work history or volunteer work to represent my skillset. The knowledge that I have gained over the decades in computers and experience in administration is through determination and an enjoyment of learning on my own, but no one considers this to be applicable. There is no college degree stating I am a graduate with honors. Age 50 is approaching rapidly and most prospective employers would consider me outdated and too close to retirement, but they will never admit it. Believe it or not, most employers are looking for fresh out of college, younger adults. I have applied for many positions that I know I am qualified to do, and continue to read rejection letter after rejection letter. Retail and fast food jobs do not provide the hours, nor will they be consistent in providing a living wage. At my age, I have the right to look for a job that is going to create stability for my family, as I would be the breadwinner now. I also have health issues I have to take into concern and being on my feet hours upon hours a day will just result in me not being able to work. Believe me when I say I have tried this and it is the direct result of why I am no longer employed at Marshalls.

I finally find someone willing to offer me a position ... contingent on THREE letters of reference from previous employers (four months plus employment) and I can only produce ONE.

No. I will never regret my decision to become a Stay-at-Home mom, but I never thought I would be punished for it so many years later.😞

These last few years have resulted in feelings of hopelessness and despair. A state of constant depression mostly well hidden, but nonetheless there. So many nights I go to bed in tears, wondering how I will be able to continue to just get beat down. Then I think of my husband and my kids.